What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 16:07
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So, i spoilt her more .
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why was the rock band Kiss so successful?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What is the difference in doing a hot rail and just smoking a bowl?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What happens when you have paranoid schizophrenia?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
And i lived it daily.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was 9 years of age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I think the readers, may guess!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were not on the streets..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im still living with it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She married twice! .
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I never cut or harmed myself..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was scared of men, in general
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
She loved him until the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I have no regrets .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her